The day you start school....

                                                           WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO - LILLY AGE 4

Dear Lilly,

Wow how did we get to this day already? As i write this my eyes are filling with tears, school. Tomorrow is your first day of school. I have so many emotions going, i feel excited for you as i know you are so excited to go to school but i also feel sad, actually I'm heartbroken. How are you, my baby starting school you have only just turned 4?

Lets rewind a little over 4 years ago to the day you were born. I won't lie that day was the worst day of my life and the best because i had you. Your birth was traumatic and recovery for both of us was hard. I was under general when you were born and i didn't see you for over 2 hours. Those hours every one says should be spent doing skin to skin as they are the most important, you were not with me. Then i was too weak to hold you i could only look at you and i had to watch everyone else around me hold you, cuddle you, be doing what i as your mummy should be doing but i couldn't. I remember sitting there unable to speak and wanting to scream that you were my baby and i wanted you but i couldn't. Then within a few hours you were taking away in and out of intensive care and i was unable to hold you at all. I made you a promise Lilly, there and then that i would never leave you. I promised to spend every second i could with you and thats exactly what i have done.

Until today, that choice is being taken away from me. I love spending time with you, you make me laugh and you make me smile every single day and these last few weeks since leaving nursery we have grew even closer and you really are my best friend I'm going to miss you. Im feel i am being selfish for feeling this way. I have not shown you my tears, i have just made you feel like i am as excited as you are.

Today your teachers came to the house, they made me feel at ease that you will be in their care. They told me about how much fun you are going to have. You also seemed to really like them. You sat and played and had a smile on your face the whole time. Then we went to have a tour as your school is brand new and has just opened. I held your hand the whole way, you were shouting hello to everyone and you just wanted to go and play so i know that you are going to be fine tomorrow. Your class room looks amazing, they have all your favourite toys and i know you are going to enjoy it so much!

For my own selfish reasons i could have delayed this, as you legally don't have to start school until next year but your ready. You are a cleaver girl and i have taught you all i can.You are ahead of your preschoolers and have an incredible mathematical mind you really need that next step. I have been through this day with your pre school teachers and your new head teacher to make sure i am doing the rite thing, and although I'm not ready to let you go, your ready. The reality that I'm not going to be there for a cuddle if you feel sad, or if you fall and cut your knee or even when someones mean to you and i won't be able to protect you. I will miss your 'why's' and your 'mummy' 1000 times a day, i will miss you getting playdoh every where, i will miss you telling me Oakley has pooped on the cream carpet and most of all i will miss your little laugh and your smile.

Your uniform is ironed and labeled and hung on your wardrobe handle. You tried on your new shoes again tonight and you are so excited to wear them. I kissed you goodnight tonight then came back when you were asleep, you always talk to us in your sleep. We never know if your awake or sleep talking but i gave you a big cuddle and just sat there for longer than usual. The reality that your growing up has hit me. I wish i could stop time. I feel like i didn't make the most of the last 4 years, i have tried but i feel like we should have done more, we should have explored more. We should have played more superhero games.

I am so proud of the little girl you have turned out to be Lilly, you are everything and more i wanted in a daughter. Tomorrow we are going to get on your uniform, you will most likely cry because you don't want me to do you hair then we are going to walk hand in hand to the school gate where I'm going to wave you goodbye and wait until mid day before i can pick you up ( i will most likely be running to the school gate) I cannot wait to hear about your day, well the bits you choose to tell me about.

although a big chapter has closed, a new one is opening and although I'm sad now i hope these are the best days of your life.

I love you snuggle bug

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