This is going to be a none beauty related post but a post on the birth of my daughter, I'm writing this as a bit of therapy for myself i guess as it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do and no one but me and my partner will understand how emotional and scary it was, I'm going to write the whole shibang so if your a little squeamish this probably isn't the best post to read :)
My due date was the 13th July 2012, that day came and went and still no baby, i had a midwife appointment the week after and booked the date for my induction for Wednesday the 25th July, i knew this baby wasn't going to be coming on her own. more and more days went by and still nothing then i woke up at 8am on Monday the 23rd with a strong period like pain which came and lasted a few seconds then went away, then started again. I was unsure if i was having contractions as i had been experiencing pains for a while but as a first time mum i never really knew if it was just the baby's head engaging or the real thing.
I said to my fiance for the first time ever i think you need to stay at home with me today, i think its time :) but then the pain went away and he had a really important business meeting and as i couldn't be sure i told him to go, around 11am i was in pain i had to called my fiance and told him i was definitely contracting and he came straight home as he was a hour and a bit away he didn't want to be too late, little did we know this was going to last a little longer than expected.
The pains continued all day they then got to 3 Min's apart and lasting for around 30 seconds, it was so hot on Monday and the pains were really strong i was getting to the point i couldn't cope so we called the hospital and they said its too early i had to wait until they were lasting for over a minute and told to take two pain killers and have a bath,,,,, GREAT,,, but it did work and the pain eased off a little. That night i had very little sleep the pain kept waking me up but i was just trying to deal with it.
Tuesday came the pains were still there but not as often they were about every 10 Min's apart and lasting for about a minute but i could deal with them and carried on my daily chores and even doing the gardening, during that night the pains were really strong i knew i was getting induced the next day but again i had a sleepless night.
WEDNESDAY!! my induction date, i had to be at the hospital for 8am and its about a 20min drive from our house, my bags were packed and i was ready to go but i was hot and tired from the past two days. when we got there i was put on a ward with 6 beds i was on the end by the window but the room had no air con no fans nothing it was so hot it was unbearable, also on the ward was other girls being induced but new mums with their new born babies which i thought was odd, i was in pain my vocals were coming out and these babies and mums want to sleep :/
I had always planned to have a water birth from even before i was pregnant, that was my aim, they started by telling me if i was induced i couldn't have a water birth, i was so disappointed but couldn't do anything about it, but as i had been contracing since Monday they wanted to examine me to see if i was in established labor (4cm) and i could have had my water birth. Any one who's been examined knows how painful it can be and how undignified it is to have some woman shoving her hand up your lady parts i hated it and then she told me i was only 1cm dilated....WHAT 1cm!!!
I had to then be induced starting with a pessary which felt like a tapon with razor blade edges, it was horrible. My contractions were still coming thick and fast but they didn't seem to care, the midwife said that they put it in for 24 hrs and basically wait and see, i asked for some sort of pain relief but she said i couldn't have anything until was in labor which i thought was ridiculous as i was in so much pain, even a fan to help with the heat but i got nothing and was told to go for a walk, yes a walk when it was nearly 30 degrees outside and i contracting and in pain. but i went a sat in Costa and got a smoothie to try and cool me down.
1pm came and visiting time was over they told my fiance he had to go home, he didn't want to leave me in pain on my own and i didn't want him to leave but he went and bought me some hand held fans to try and help with the heat, even though they were tiny it was better than nothing, i really couldn't take much more of the heat so i went and sat in my fiances car put the air con on full, put the chair back and tried to have a nap in there (that really what it came to)
As i walked back to the hospital the contractions were getting stronger, the midwife said to try having a bath as it would help the pain, so i did and here's where it went down hill...... i was in the bath and my fiance was helping me and all of a sudden these contractions were every minute lasting for over 60 seconds and i was stuck in this horrible hospital bath and couldn't move, i was screaming with pain, eventually when i got out and laid in bed they were just getting stronger and stronger and my screams louder, i was in tears because of the pain, i then had a new midwife because of the shift change and i really wanted pain relief but she said she needs to monitor baby then examine me before i could have anything.
They put me on this monitor for ages detecing my contractions and how baby's heartbeat was, it seems like they had me on it for ages and i couldn't move and was getting a bit agitated, i wanted to get off the monitor and turn on my side but they wouldn't let me and she kept coming and checking the print off then saying i need to take this to get checked over but wouldn't say what was going on. This lasted for hours, all i wanted was some pain relief as i didn't know there was a issue with my baby as no one told me, she eventually came and examined me and i was only 2cm dilated, i was ready to give up i wasn't getting anywhere but she then gave me some tablet which helped a little but i was still in pain and kept me on the monitor. my fiance was getting to the end of his tether it was hot i was in alot of pain and i couldn't move because they wanted to keep me on my back to monitor my baby's heart beat and yet still none told us there was a problem.
Eventually another midwife changed shift and was looking after me at 9pm, she seemed to be running the show a more higher midwife, and she was asking the previous midwife why she hadn't given me more pain relief, she came and looked at the chart and explained baby was happy with my contraction and wanted to take the pessary out and take me down to the labor ward to have my waters broken. I was so happy i would be getting somewhere and the labor ward had air con
We went down to the labor ward which was a huge room had air con, it was lovely the midwife came in who at first i wasn't to keen on but she turned out to be a really amazing woman. She was asking what pain relief i wanted, now i have a real issue with needles i was needle phobic, the thought of a epidural would make me feel sick and faint so i was determined i only wanted gas and air, she tried to get me to have diamorphene but i only wanted gas and air, she said she would go and speak to the doctor and come back, when she came back she said the doctor thinks its best if i have the BIG E i said no i didn't want it and i didn't want the cannula thing in my hand, eventually some how i don't really know at what point i agreed to have the epidural, i cant remember at what point i did but i did apparently, but we had to wait for the antsiest to come down.
A doctor lady came in to break my waters, i had started gas and air at this point and was just getting started on it, when she put the hook thing in and broke my waters the next thing she said to my fiance was can you just lean over and pull that red cord....
All i remember is saying i feel faint and seeing bright lights from the gas and air then hearing a alarm going off and a flood of doctors come running into the room they were like ants there was loads of them, they were just grabbing my hands jabbing things in me and trying to get the cannula in my hands but the idiot couldn't get it in so someone had to do it again in the other hand, i could hear my fiance asking what was going on and seeing him break down like i have never seen before. The words i heard from the doctor breaking my water were "there no fatal movement" these words will haunt me for the rest of my life, i remember looking at her and a vow of silence came over me and shock because i thought i had lost my baby.
They couldn't find her heart beat and kept trying to put a clip on her head to monitor it but i think there was a issue with the machine and couldn't find it, i just laid there i didn't care what they were doing to me what they were sticking in me i just wanted to hear her heart beat on that monitor, eventually they found it and explained to me that when i have been contracting baby's heart beat had been dipping and when they broke my waters the colour of my waters had indicated baby had pooped herself which can be a sign of distress and then they lost her heart beat but it was back up and OK.
I was then loving the gas and air, everything was calm i was coping with the pain and i could hear her heart beat, then they put me in this horrible hospital gown and started asking me questions, i kept saying I'm not having a c section, please don't let me have a c section it was my worse nightmare.
They then gave me a tablet just to "settle the acid in my stomach" also asked me what jewellery i had on and anything metal on me, i knew something wasn't rite but no one told me what was going on
They put me on a hormone drip to make my contractions come quicker and as they did that the lady came to put on my epidural, now i thought i was just a big needle i did not know they thread a fishing like wife through your spinal cord. i asked her if she would stop if i had a contraction and she said no i would just have to deal with it and keep still but i was so scared that i was going to move when i had a contraction.
they sat me over the bed my midwife holding me on my left and my fiance on the right i had to have my legs on a chair and my back hunched over and i couldn't move, when she put in the first needle i had a contraction at the same time and the contraction was so painful i couldn't feel it, i wanted to move but some just clicked inside my head which said keep still keep calm and i did, and i really didn't feel the epidural, she even did it twice because the first time wasn't in the same place, but after all the hype given to me about it, it wasn't painful at all
after that the hormone drip kicked in and baby's heart beat dipped again, all you could hear was the heartbeat at a steady pace and then it nearly stop, which made me hysterical all these doctors came in again and were trying to move me on my left, back, right to see which side baby was happiest with and try and get her heart rate back up, they thought she may have hold of the cord and be pulling on it. all i wanted to know was if my baby was going to be OK, the midwife Toni came and sat down next to me and tried to calm me down she just explained this happens and if it was really serious and they thought anything was going to happen to my baby i would have been taken to theatre by now, i told her i don't want a c section the thought of someone cutting me open when I'm awake was something out of a nightmare for me.. little did i know my nightmare was coming true.
I started to feel the contractions again and the epidural wear off this worried me and they had to keep putting up the dose, next thing it happened again baby heart rate dropped, the doctor explained theres only so long it can drop for before they will get involved, all the doctors came rushing in again, my fiance was a broken man, seeing me in pain the thought that me and his baby were in danger was killing him, we have been together 7 years and i have never seen him the way he was.
The doctor said to me ok april your baby is really not coping well were taking you down to theatre, that was it i was screaming hysterically begging them not to do it, i begged and begged my fiance not to let them cut me open and i asked the midwife if she could do something else, she came and held my hand and said i need to think about my baby they need to get her out now she tried to calm me and when i though my baby was in danger i calmed myself down and just went silent.
They took off all my nail polish, they had to take out my hair extensions because of the metal clips and took me into theatre, my fiance got his doctors uniform on and came in but they said if i had to go under general he would have to leave, i kept saying i can feel my legs how are you going to cut me open when i can feel everything and started to panic again.
In theatre they rolled me onto a bed in the whitest cleanest room i have ever seen they put a oxygen masque on me which i kept trying to push away as i felt like i couldn't breath, the antsiest was above me and sprayed a cold spray on my lower body and told me to tell her when i feel it, my left side was numb but i could feel everything on my right and she whacked more epidural in and tried again, then again but i could still feel it, within seconds they said she going under general they kicked my fiance out and i was under.
Next thing i know my name was being called my this lovely woman and she was asking me questions trying to bring me around, i had no pain i was shaking like a crack whore trying to come around, the lady said your baby fine she with dad we will bring them round in a min, then in came my fiance with my new baby girl and the happiest feeling in the world to see my new family safe and sound and mike holding this baby with a head of brown hair and bringing her over and feeling how soft she was and that she was healthy and safe, it was the best feeling in the world and it made me forget about what happened, not think about the scar or have any other care in the world.
They then took me down to the labor ward but i couldn't hold Lilly because i was still shaking i was drugged up to the eyeballs and because my iron was so low i was dizzy and didn't really know where i was and had to watch everyone else coming and holding my daughter, it was hard.
I then found out Lilly had jaundice, she developed it in the first 24hrs and was whipped away for blood tests, and all sorts of things, she had light therapy and we had to spend 4 days in hospital whilst she got better, she is now a happy baby and hopefully nearly fully recovered. im not going to write about that as this post is long and emotional enough for me and that's a whole other story, so here are a few pics
A few hours old with daddy
getting better in the hospital
Lillys first bath